No Such Thing As Beyond Help

No Such Thing As Beyond Help: A Guest Post By Dolan Wolf
March 12, 2013

Yesterday I saw Rupert Everett in the role of Oscar Wilde in The Judas
Kiss, a play that focuses on the pivotal decisions Wilde made, first in 1895,
not to flee England and avoid trial for gross indecency (aka loving men)
and second in 1897 to reunite with his lover after serving a two year prison
term, though the price was rejection from all his friends and family.

As soon as I left the theatre I received a message from a friend in the US to
let me know that Wilfried Knight had taken his life, overwhelmed with
grief over the suicide of his husband, Jerry Enriquez, a couple of weeks ago.

On March 3rd, 2013, Wilfried published on his blog an account of the
events that led to Jerry hanging himself. Apparently Jerry’s being bullied
at and then fired from a soulless organisation was enough to drive him
to attempt suicide, but what sealed his fate was the loss of his Canadian
visa, which meant that he and Wilfried were thrown back into a situation
where no country would accept both of them as residents – basically
because they were two men in love and not a man and a woman.

Inevitably, some will look at Wilfried’s death in the light of the
recent untimely deaths of a horribly long list of men who have performed
in porn, but when it comes to the manner of their passing, porn is
merely coincidental. What our lost brothers really have in common, and
they have this in common with every member of our community who dies
long before they should, is that they, or those around them, felt they
were beyond help.


This can be a hard concept to grasp without knowing more about some
of the beautiful people we have lost recently, and this is where porn
may be partly responsible. Who would expect a person who looks so
gorgeous, is a minor celebrity in the community, gets to have hot sex
all over world with stunning men and if you read his Twitter feed seems
to be thrilled several times a day about it, to have felt so low and so
beyond help? The fairly obvious answer is that behind every porn persona
is a real person with real problems and, at times, real pain.

For that matter, being able to see despair when looking at anyone in
the world can be very difficult. Many of us hide our pain well. And why
wouldn’t we? Sometimes it’s just that we know our friends are dealing
with enough of their own problems, and we don’t want to be a burden.
Other times, nothing is so unhelpful as a person who appears to seize
upon our pain like a meal to feed their own sense of usefulness. So
instead of answering the question, ‘How are you?’ with ‘Pretty shit 
really’, we often say, ‘Fine, thanks’.

At the same time, we all know someone who may be doing their best to
hide their pain, but who is clearly a hot mess, and we either don’t know
where to begin with them or we’ve tried and nearly or actually given up
trying to find a successful approach. Believe me, I know.

As in all things, doing nothing is the easiest thing to do, but if we
do nothing then nothing is going to change, and it won’t be long before
we’re either reading about the loss of another beautiful soul or,
worse, hearing about a friend who just gave up.

We need to learn to be better at being there for each other. We need
to learn to be better at helping brothers and sisters who are in pain,
whether they are simply grieving or are deeply fucked up by this crazy
world, and we need to learn how to shine a light to guide them out of
the dark.

Above all, we need to dispose of our own concept of ‘beyond help’ and
not give up doing whatever we can to be there for those who are hurting
– to the last.

I admit, this is easier said than done. Aside from how complex and
widespread are the hardest problems, like mental health and drug
addiction, and how few effective resources are available to help with
them, I know that finding the right balance between imposing on someone
and supporting them is very tricky. But to be honest, before we’re even
confronted with any of those problems, I think most of us get stuck on
the question ‘What can I do?’

The thing is, if you’re just asking yourself that question, you’re
asking the wrong person. Ask that question of that person who you think
might need your help. They might tell you there is nothing you can do,
but just knowing someone cares could make all the difference to them.

No-one who did not contribute to their pain should feel responsible
for a decision someone else makes to take their own life, and I respect
the prerogative of anyone who makes that decision, but no-one should be
lost because they do not have the support that could have held them
through dark times to much better ones.

I don’t know it would have made the critical difference if I had been
aware of Wilfried’s bereavement and offered him my support, but from
the short time I spent with him in October last year, he struck me as a
man who embraced life and had ambitions for the future. I’m sure that
his closest friends did all they could to support him, but it appears he
needed more to see him through his grief.

It goes without saying we should do everything we can to not leave
anyone in our community that way. What needs to be said, though I can’t
speak for everyone, is that when it comes to other people’s pain, I
think most of us could do more. Too many people I know in London are
living far too close to the edge without a safety line. I think it’s a
safe bet the same is true in many more cities around the world.

From the sound of it, even if Wilfried and Jerry hadn’t lost their
visas to live in Canada, they still would have needed a lot of support
to get through a very tough time, but there’s a good chance that neither
of them would have felt so helpless if same-sex couples had had the
same rights and respect as straight couples.

Over 100 years have passed since Oscar Wilde’s life was destroyed by a
community that would not give him the freedom to be with the person he
loved. Sadly, I doubt Wilfried will be the last beautiful man who dies
as a result of the inequalities gay men and women face, but losing him
doesn’t have to be a total waste if the strength of his love inspires us
to fight harder to end the INSANITY of laws everywhere in the world
that prevent same-sex lovers from living together in either one of their
home countries.

You aren’t the only ones who need to do this but, my American brothers, please make more noise and FIGHT!  Share these links:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-YCdcnf_P8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9LiLNVYjOAI

Support the campaign:
http://www.respectformarriage.org

And have that uncomfortable argument with your straight friends and
relatives. Let Wilfried inspire you to fight harder to change the world,
then remember him and celebrate in his memory when we win. I think I
knew him well enough to say he would like that.

You may also like to help prevent teen suicides by donating to:
http://www.thetrevorproject.org/

And finally, believe me and try to remember, whether it’s for
yourself or someone who you know is in a bad way, now or in the future.
There is no such thing as beyond help.


— Dolan Wolf

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